Disbelief

I cannot believe that I am actually writing this, but we are PREGNANT! 

Its truly amazing how when you finally get your priorities in check how God will let you in on his plan.  After I wrote the last post and it was getting time to find out.  I decided that I didn't want to know when "it" was supposed to come.  I wanted to just be okay no matter what and to stop with the constant running to the bathroom for fear of what I might (or might not) find.  And so that is what I did.  And I ended up three days late before knowing for sure.  Matthew and I had talked and decided that if I still hadn't started by the next morning then I would take a test.  This was on the way home from church on a Wednesday night.  We got home, I walked in the house and had to pee.  So I decided to take a test and if it was negative I wouldn't tell him but if it was positive then....I didn't know because I just didn't think that it would be.  :)  So I took one and was in shock when both lines showed up.  It was crazy!  That had never happened before!  I screamed for Matthew, handed him the test, he yelled "I don't know how to read this thing!"  It was hilarious and we immediately cried (him), laughed (me), and prayed (together).  It was beautiful. And to say I am still in shock is an understatement.

My first appointment is November 29th.  It seems so very far away.  I just don't know how I will keep still till then.  I have had a couple bouts with nausea but lately I have been feeling good which scares me so bad.  I would rather be sick as a dog!  But if bloating is any indication (which it is) then I am golden!  I also have had a few cravings, pickles and Chinese food.  Not together but that is all that I want.  I have always loved pickles but now I eat them constantly.  I have never really liked Chinese food except sushi but now I could eat fried rice with every meal.  So good!

My doctor has taken me off of Metformin for now.  It scares me a little to think of the chances of gestational diabetes but hey, I am not the one with the MD behind my name.

The projected due date is July 1 so I am almost 6 weeks along.  Still very newly pregnant but having trouble fitting into my pants due to the bloating.  Haha.  But its all worth it. I can't say enough how happy I am and how much I am thankful that the Lord has blessed us in this way.

Such wonderful blessings.

As I find myself sitting here and waiting (again) this month to find out if we are or aren't.  I can't help but feel differently.  This month I am not nervous or full of anticipation.  I have finally realized that it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.  This morning as I watched my amazing husband taking care of our rabbit as our sweet boys ran around, I was completely overwhelmed with all of the blessings that I DO have in my life.  I think that on this infertility journey I have become too caught up in the what I do NOT have and lose sight of what is wonderful in my life. 

We have a beautiful new (to us) home,


a fabulous new (to us) car,
 
two amazing dogs,
 

and a marriage that has its ups and downs but we are always holding hands throughout the roller coaster.
 
 

I am so thankful that we are at a place where we can help out people financially and are not counting pennies at the end of the month.  We also have an amazing set of friends and family.  Of course, we feel at times as if they fall short on us but at the end of the day I know that they are there for us no matter what.  I remind myself that at times, people do not know what to say or how to act around us.  It is a very hard situation and for those that have never been through it, they do not know the words to use and we can do nothing but be understanding about it. 

We definitely have it so good and I cannot glorify and thank God enough for that!

Checking back in...

My, how long it's been! I feel like so much has happened but then on the other hand, still feel like our life is on pause. It's a struggle each day but I can honestly say that the days get easier. Little update on us:
-Bought a house!
-Moved into house (which of course means we are still searching for some things)
-Went through our busiest time at work, and it was better than ever before
-Matthew joined our church
-Got our bonuses at work (yay money!)
-Went on vacation
-Bought a new car (technically used, but it's fabulously like new)

Seems like everyone around me is pregnant and I'm trying to keep my head up and my heart hopeful. Some days I feel like everyone jumped on the bus and left me waiting at the stop. I feel like somedays no one understands what it's like to feel abnormal while being surrounded by normalcy. Even though Matthew tries, he can't understand it either.

Even though I struggle with these feelings, I am still so very thankful for my amazing husband. Right now we are enjoying all of the new things in our life. We are slowly getting our house together. It's so nice to have our own space and to have actual room to spread out. We bought a 2008 Nissan Armada to replace my car last week and I swear that car is smarter than me!! It's beautiful and all decked out. Poor Matthew has barely gotten to drive it. I have never really enjoyed driving. Little did I know it was just because I didn't like my car!

On a crazy other note, I try not to get my hopes up (how often I say that and it never happens), especially over trivial things that mean nothing but I really can't help it. I say that because a friend of mine that Matthew went to college with cam predict when people are pregnant. (Trust me, I'm aware how crazy that sounds). But she always dreams of fish and then someone is pregnant. I didn't believe this at first but as the years have gone by and I see it over and over happening, she has made me a believer. Well, she has had two fish dreams this week and thought of us. Fingers crossed she's right BUT I'm not holding my breath, it still sounds fishy to me. Pun intended.

I really going to try and keep up with this blog better. It really helps to clear your mind. And this mind needs as much clearing as physically able! Here's hoping for fish. :)

A toZ

I need a little distraction from what all is going on in our life.  Sometimes it is much needed.

A little A to Z about me:  

A. AREA CODE : 501

B. BED SIZE: King! When we married, Matthew had a king size bed and I am so thankful for its size, well Matthew is since I am known to have always been a 'body magnet' in the bed.

C. CHORE YOU HATE: I don't really mind many chores.  That doesn't mean that I am that great at doing them on a consistent basis.  That being said, dishes are not my favorite but I cannot stand to dust.

D. DOG'S NAME: Jake and Dude

 

E. ESSENTIAL "START THE DAY!" ITEM: Um, I don't drink coffee or anything but I always move extremely slow in the morning.  I spend about an hour putting on my make up (that if I am not moving at a snail's pace would take about 15 minutes) in front of the tv so I am going to say the television.  Even though that is terrible. 

F. FAVORITE COLOR: I love red.  And brown.  Which were our wedding colors (and the colors of this blog). 

G. GOLD OR SILVER: Like them both

H. HEIGHT: 5' 3", almost 5'4"

I. INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: I used to sing but now I don't think I could carry a tune in a bucket

J. Job: Manager of a textbook store where I am blessed to be able to work with my husband!

K. KIDS: trying...

L. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: With husband, moving into our new home this week!!

N. NICKNAME: MA, Biscuit (only Matthew calls me this, no clue where it came from)

M.MOM'S NAME: Anne

O. OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY: None

P. PET PEEVE: Odd numbers, dishonesty, two faced people

Q. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "I would rather have a thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."  -Steel Magnolias

R. RIGHTY OR LEFTY?: Righty
S. SIBLINGS: I have a brother 13 years younger than me and a sister 21 years younger.

T. TIME YOU WAKE UP: 6:30.  On Fridays its usually 7:30.  :)

U. UNDERWEAR: Microfiber!

V. VEGGIE YOU DISLIKE: Celery.  It is the most disgusting substance.  Ga-ross!

W. WAYS/REASONS YOU ARE LATE: Changing my clothes a thousand times.

X. XRAYS YOU'VE HAD: On my finger as a kid, chest while in college.  That's about it.

Y. YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Everything, duh!

Z. ZOO ANIMALS YOU LIKE: I love the monkeys, especially the orangutans.

Randomnes.....

I have been so much better lately. I started on Metformin, which threw me for a loop at the beginning. My body was having a hard time adjusting and as soon as it would, I would have to up my dosage. Then one day it felt like a switch had been flipped. I felt awesome! I could tell I was still tired from the Clomid but overall I felt the best I have in months! I started doing the ovulation tests this month. I was hesitant to do so at first, mainly because it was just one more thing to do. But I decided I needed to this month. We got our smiley face early one morning and you would have thought that it would have been a positive pregnancy test as excited as I got! It's the little things, you know?!? We are hopeful that this month went well, bit if not then we will try again. I could tell when I ovulated and so I don't think it worked but mist if that is me trying keep my hopes down. It gets hard when month after month you get your hopes up, but I'm working on that.

We were supposed to close on our house this past but due to some underwriting issues on the sellers side, we are on hold. It did give us an extra weekend to pack but Matthew and I couldn't find motivation to do anything. We did manage to watch movies, eat junk food and spend the weekend together so I still think it was a success!

Well, I guess I need to get ready for church. We cannot wait for service this morning. At VBS this week, our preacher set a goal for the kids. If they raised $500, ge would shave his head and then any kids that came to Sunday School could paint his bald head and he would conduct services that way. Well, they met that goal in one night!!! He decided to raise the bar and if they raised an additional $500 he would shave his legs and wear shorts. The total that the kids raised was $1001! It was amazing!

Breathe...just breathe....

This is what I keep telling myself.  Even when I think that I am okay, I find out that another person close to me is pregnant, and I can't help but feel jealous.  I am truly happy for them but there is still that annoying stab of jealousy that creeps its way up my spine.  And then I get to feeling sorry for myself. 

This happened today.  About an hour ago in fact, while I was at work, which is never fun.  I know she has struggled as long as I did and I am so happy that she is finally out of this emotional roller coaster (and onto another one).  I just can't help but feel like its my turn too!  I know that it isn't though.  So for know I will keep breathing.  and chanting the verse that is getting me through this:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

Chin up, buttercup!

Even as much as I am keeping my head up and I am in a better place, bad news still sucks. It always will! I still get discouraged, I still freak out, I still question every move I made this past month, I still wonder what others did to get pregnant when they weren't meaning to and we are jumping through flaming hoops and still nothing. I also wonder if it's all worth it.....but I know it is.

I was supposed to start yesterday. It didn't happen. Not one sign or anything. And so we tried (so hard) to not get our hopes up but when you are charting and predicting and taking the meds to make it happen, you can't help but get your hopes up. In reality, I was just late (which I believe is a cardinal sin and never should be allowed). So, even though this morning has been filled with freak outs, second guesses, and a couple tears....I am leaving those here. I am keeping on with my chin up with the faith and hope that things will be turning around shortly. I think this was God's plan of making me move. Guess I couldn't get out of that. :)

I would also like to give a special thanks to the other hair dresser where I was getting my hair done yesterday who kept going on and on and on about your 'accidental' pregnancy that you found out about on your wedding day last month. Between you talking about how horrible of a mother you are going to be and you smoking twice while I was there, it really made the news better, thanks. Ugh. Some people's kids. Literally.