Disbelief

I cannot believe that I am actually writing this, but we are PREGNANT! 

Its truly amazing how when you finally get your priorities in check how God will let you in on his plan.  After I wrote the last post and it was getting time to find out.  I decided that I didn't want to know when "it" was supposed to come.  I wanted to just be okay no matter what and to stop with the constant running to the bathroom for fear of what I might (or might not) find.  And so that is what I did.  And I ended up three days late before knowing for sure.  Matthew and I had talked and decided that if I still hadn't started by the next morning then I would take a test.  This was on the way home from church on a Wednesday night.  We got home, I walked in the house and had to pee.  So I decided to take a test and if it was negative I wouldn't tell him but if it was positive then....I didn't know because I just didn't think that it would be.  :)  So I took one and was in shock when both lines showed up.  It was crazy!  That had never happened before!  I screamed for Matthew, handed him the test, he yelled "I don't know how to read this thing!"  It was hilarious and we immediately cried (him), laughed (me), and prayed (together).  It was beautiful. And to say I am still in shock is an understatement.

My first appointment is November 29th.  It seems so very far away.  I just don't know how I will keep still till then.  I have had a couple bouts with nausea but lately I have been feeling good which scares me so bad.  I would rather be sick as a dog!  But if bloating is any indication (which it is) then I am golden!  I also have had a few cravings, pickles and Chinese food.  Not together but that is all that I want.  I have always loved pickles but now I eat them constantly.  I have never really liked Chinese food except sushi but now I could eat fried rice with every meal.  So good!

My doctor has taken me off of Metformin for now.  It scares me a little to think of the chances of gestational diabetes but hey, I am not the one with the MD behind my name.

The projected due date is July 1 so I am almost 6 weeks along.  Still very newly pregnant but having trouble fitting into my pants due to the bloating.  Haha.  But its all worth it. I can't say enough how happy I am and how much I am thankful that the Lord has blessed us in this way.

Such wonderful blessings.

As I find myself sitting here and waiting (again) this month to find out if we are or aren't.  I can't help but feel differently.  This month I am not nervous or full of anticipation.  I have finally realized that it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.  This morning as I watched my amazing husband taking care of our rabbit as our sweet boys ran around, I was completely overwhelmed with all of the blessings that I DO have in my life.  I think that on this infertility journey I have become too caught up in the what I do NOT have and lose sight of what is wonderful in my life. 

We have a beautiful new (to us) home,


a fabulous new (to us) car,
 
two amazing dogs,
 

and a marriage that has its ups and downs but we are always holding hands throughout the roller coaster.
 
 

I am so thankful that we are at a place where we can help out people financially and are not counting pennies at the end of the month.  We also have an amazing set of friends and family.  Of course, we feel at times as if they fall short on us but at the end of the day I know that they are there for us no matter what.  I remind myself that at times, people do not know what to say or how to act around us.  It is a very hard situation and for those that have never been through it, they do not know the words to use and we can do nothing but be understanding about it. 

We definitely have it so good and I cannot glorify and thank God enough for that!

Checking back in...

My, how long it's been! I feel like so much has happened but then on the other hand, still feel like our life is on pause. It's a struggle each day but I can honestly say that the days get easier. Little update on us:
-Bought a house!
-Moved into house (which of course means we are still searching for some things)
-Went through our busiest time at work, and it was better than ever before
-Matthew joined our church
-Got our bonuses at work (yay money!)
-Went on vacation
-Bought a new car (technically used, but it's fabulously like new)

Seems like everyone around me is pregnant and I'm trying to keep my head up and my heart hopeful. Some days I feel like everyone jumped on the bus and left me waiting at the stop. I feel like somedays no one understands what it's like to feel abnormal while being surrounded by normalcy. Even though Matthew tries, he can't understand it either.

Even though I struggle with these feelings, I am still so very thankful for my amazing husband. Right now we are enjoying all of the new things in our life. We are slowly getting our house together. It's so nice to have our own space and to have actual room to spread out. We bought a 2008 Nissan Armada to replace my car last week and I swear that car is smarter than me!! It's beautiful and all decked out. Poor Matthew has barely gotten to drive it. I have never really enjoyed driving. Little did I know it was just because I didn't like my car!

On a crazy other note, I try not to get my hopes up (how often I say that and it never happens), especially over trivial things that mean nothing but I really can't help it. I say that because a friend of mine that Matthew went to college with cam predict when people are pregnant. (Trust me, I'm aware how crazy that sounds). But she always dreams of fish and then someone is pregnant. I didn't believe this at first but as the years have gone by and I see it over and over happening, she has made me a believer. Well, she has had two fish dreams this week and thought of us. Fingers crossed she's right BUT I'm not holding my breath, it still sounds fishy to me. Pun intended.

I really going to try and keep up with this blog better. It really helps to clear your mind. And this mind needs as much clearing as physically able! Here's hoping for fish. :)

A toZ

I need a little distraction from what all is going on in our life.  Sometimes it is much needed.

A little A to Z about me:  

A. AREA CODE : 501

B. BED SIZE: King! When we married, Matthew had a king size bed and I am so thankful for its size, well Matthew is since I am known to have always been a 'body magnet' in the bed.

C. CHORE YOU HATE: I don't really mind many chores.  That doesn't mean that I am that great at doing them on a consistent basis.  That being said, dishes are not my favorite but I cannot stand to dust.

D. DOG'S NAME: Jake and Dude

 

E. ESSENTIAL "START THE DAY!" ITEM: Um, I don't drink coffee or anything but I always move extremely slow in the morning.  I spend about an hour putting on my make up (that if I am not moving at a snail's pace would take about 15 minutes) in front of the tv so I am going to say the television.  Even though that is terrible. 

F. FAVORITE COLOR: I love red.  And brown.  Which were our wedding colors (and the colors of this blog). 

G. GOLD OR SILVER: Like them both

H. HEIGHT: 5' 3", almost 5'4"

I. INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: I used to sing but now I don't think I could carry a tune in a bucket

J. Job: Manager of a textbook store where I am blessed to be able to work with my husband!

K. KIDS: trying...

L. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: With husband, moving into our new home this week!!

N. NICKNAME: MA, Biscuit (only Matthew calls me this, no clue where it came from)

M.MOM'S NAME: Anne

O. OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY: None

P. PET PEEVE: Odd numbers, dishonesty, two faced people

Q. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "I would rather have a thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."  -Steel Magnolias

R. RIGHTY OR LEFTY?: Righty
S. SIBLINGS: I have a brother 13 years younger than me and a sister 21 years younger.

T. TIME YOU WAKE UP: 6:30.  On Fridays its usually 7:30.  :)

U. UNDERWEAR: Microfiber!

V. VEGGIE YOU DISLIKE: Celery.  It is the most disgusting substance.  Ga-ross!

W. WAYS/REASONS YOU ARE LATE: Changing my clothes a thousand times.

X. XRAYS YOU'VE HAD: On my finger as a kid, chest while in college.  That's about it.

Y. YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Everything, duh!

Z. ZOO ANIMALS YOU LIKE: I love the monkeys, especially the orangutans.

Randomnes.....

I have been so much better lately. I started on Metformin, which threw me for a loop at the beginning. My body was having a hard time adjusting and as soon as it would, I would have to up my dosage. Then one day it felt like a switch had been flipped. I felt awesome! I could tell I was still tired from the Clomid but overall I felt the best I have in months! I started doing the ovulation tests this month. I was hesitant to do so at first, mainly because it was just one more thing to do. But I decided I needed to this month. We got our smiley face early one morning and you would have thought that it would have been a positive pregnancy test as excited as I got! It's the little things, you know?!? We are hopeful that this month went well, bit if not then we will try again. I could tell when I ovulated and so I don't think it worked but mist if that is me trying keep my hopes down. It gets hard when month after month you get your hopes up, but I'm working on that.

We were supposed to close on our house this past but due to some underwriting issues on the sellers side, we are on hold. It did give us an extra weekend to pack but Matthew and I couldn't find motivation to do anything. We did manage to watch movies, eat junk food and spend the weekend together so I still think it was a success!

Well, I guess I need to get ready for church. We cannot wait for service this morning. At VBS this week, our preacher set a goal for the kids. If they raised $500, ge would shave his head and then any kids that came to Sunday School could paint his bald head and he would conduct services that way. Well, they met that goal in one night!!! He decided to raise the bar and if they raised an additional $500 he would shave his legs and wear shorts. The total that the kids raised was $1001! It was amazing!

Breathe...just breathe....

This is what I keep telling myself.  Even when I think that I am okay, I find out that another person close to me is pregnant, and I can't help but feel jealous.  I am truly happy for them but there is still that annoying stab of jealousy that creeps its way up my spine.  And then I get to feeling sorry for myself. 

This happened today.  About an hour ago in fact, while I was at work, which is never fun.  I know she has struggled as long as I did and I am so happy that she is finally out of this emotional roller coaster (and onto another one).  I just can't help but feel like its my turn too!  I know that it isn't though.  So for know I will keep breathing.  and chanting the verse that is getting me through this:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

Chin up, buttercup!

Even as much as I am keeping my head up and I am in a better place, bad news still sucks. It always will! I still get discouraged, I still freak out, I still question every move I made this past month, I still wonder what others did to get pregnant when they weren't meaning to and we are jumping through flaming hoops and still nothing. I also wonder if it's all worth it.....but I know it is.

I was supposed to start yesterday. It didn't happen. Not one sign or anything. And so we tried (so hard) to not get our hopes up but when you are charting and predicting and taking the meds to make it happen, you can't help but get your hopes up. In reality, I was just late (which I believe is a cardinal sin and never should be allowed). So, even though this morning has been filled with freak outs, second guesses, and a couple tears....I am leaving those here. I am keeping on with my chin up with the faith and hope that things will be turning around shortly. I think this was God's plan of making me move. Guess I couldn't get out of that. :)

I would also like to give a special thanks to the other hair dresser where I was getting my hair done yesterday who kept going on and on and on about your 'accidental' pregnancy that you found out about on your wedding day last month. Between you talking about how horrible of a mother you are going to be and you smoking twice while I was there, it really made the news better, thanks. Ugh. Some people's kids. Literally.

Unexpected Happenings

Yesterday was such an eventful day! 

We were at work like we normally are and around two in the afternoon there was a car wreck that caused a transformer to blow.  Since our store/internet business cannot run without electricity, we called it a day.  I had been bugging Matthew to take me to get a snow cone since the one in our town is no longer here (he thinks its ridiculous to drive 10 miles to get a snow cone, but I think it is well worth it for that cup of Tigers Blood heaven), so off we went mainly to shut me up...but hey, it worked! 

As we pulled into our street we could see that there had been some light damage due to a little storm that had come through.  We didn't think much of it until we got to our house and there was a tree leaning on it!  We panicked (meaning I panicked) and got out of the truck to survey the damage.  It didn't look like there was any structural damage but we couldn't really get close enough to make sure since there was a power line down.  We got the dogs out of the yard (so thankful they weren't hurt) and called the electric company.  Matthew tells him that there is a power line down under a tree to which the woman replied, "Do you still have electricity in your home, sir?"  Well since the power box is ripped off of the house, I'm going to go with a no.   Goodness people!

A friend of ours whose husband is gone with the military for 6 months offered for us to come stay at her house so I went ahead and headed there while Matthew decided to wait for the electric company to come.  As I was enjoying some girl time with our friend and her little girl, Matthew waited....and waited....and waited....and they never showed.  Got to love the good ole electric company!  We had a fitful night, I am reminded of the years as a younger person that I could sleep anywhere.  Not so much anymore.  But we did have a good time with a great friend and got to enjoy a warm shower this morning. 

As we stopped at the house to feed the dog, Matthew called the electric company again and they informed him that the operator we spoke to yesterday never mentioned that there was a downed line, just that there was an outage.  Double ugh.  We headed to work, got a generator from our boss and plugged in the freezer and fridge so we don't lose all our food.  We are hoping that by the time we get home the power might be back on.  It did bust out our satellite as well but we can live with that more so than we can live without electricity. In June. In Arkansas. 

We are very lucky that it doesn't seem like more is damaged.  Where the chimney is, it looks like the house could have been moved some on its foundation but we should know more if when the electric company shows up!

Our poor tree after the lightening

Excuse the extremely dirty side of the house!

There is a porch under the limbs

Very thankful that not more was damaged!

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

I have always prided myself on being an optimistic person, mostly because I grew up in a pessimistic home and I knew I couldn't continue feeling bad.  As much as I try to think about the silver linings on certain situations, some just plain suck.  As optimistic as I am (through this whole fertility issues, I have become 'cautiously optimistic') one thing I am not is patient.  And waiting just sucks.  I know it is helping me become a more patient person, but honestly, I don't want to be!  Who's to say that being impatient is so wrong, like how I am trying to get my own way there?  Ugh....patience.

Coming up marks the dreaded wait on two huge parts of our life.  As anyone that is trying to get pregnant know, that terrible two week wait is the worst.  Add to that the wait of finding out if our appraisal and inspection of the new house come out well can make any impatient, optimistic or not, go crazy! 

This past weekend, my not-so-little brother was confirmed into the church and so we had a cook out for him.  He was then kidnapped by the youth group and was inducted.  It was a pretty exciting day for him. 

Being confirmed with his confirmation class of eight

Got to love 12 year old boys

Will and his seriously hideous cake I made

Getting kidnapped

Fighting back

Still wrestling with them

They've got him now

Taking him out

And he's gone....

Will said that he had a wonderful time at his first youth outing although he was a little upset with us that we set him up to be kidnapped.  But hey, its all in good fun!  I am sad that we didn't get any pictures taken during the actual cook out with all of our family.  It was a wonderful time! 

In a better place....

I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel mentally.  After everything that happened last month, I knew that I was making myself miserable and I couldn't do it anymore.  Well since that moment, I have been 100% better.  And let me tell you, it makes me feel better.  Don't get me wrong, I am still pretty moody and crying but I can handle those things better now.  I haven't been sleeping much lately, I am pretty sure it is a mixture of excitement over placing an offer on the house and it being my fertile period.  I always have such mixed emotions about fertile time.  It is so exciting, boring, and nerve wracking all rolled into one.  It is exciting thinking about the possibilities and anyone that has ever 'tried' to make a baby understands on how boring it can be, but the fact that we have to wait another two weeks to find out whether we were successful or not could make anyone go a little batty!  But honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world!  Even with our troubles, I know that there are others that have it much harder than we do so I can just be thankful for what I have.  And what I have is pretty amazing, I have the best husband, two pups that I wouldn't trade anything for, a job that is enjoyable and includes the best co-workers (husband included) and hopefully soon we can add a new beautiful home to that list!

Grown Up Decisions...

Matthew and I went and looked at a house yesterday and to say that we fell in love would be putting it mildly!

It is in our price range that we were preapproved for and met all of our criteria.  We are quite excited but it is a big step for us to do.  I believe that we have decided to make an offer.  We are pretty positive about that this is the right step for our family.


One of the only negative things is that it is not in the school district that we want, in fact it is a mile out.  But we have some years to worry about that, so I will not stress too much over it.


Keeping our fingers crossed!

In other news, I went and got a blood sugar test done yesterday.  I was taken completely by surprised when I was talking to my nurse and she asked how I was and I proceeded to start bawling my eyes out.  She asked if I was okay and I could only honestly tell her "I don't know, this is new!"  She asked if I wanted to see the doctor but I dried up and told her that I would be okay and proceeded on to the lab.  I hand the lab technician the slip of paper, she reads it and tells me that she will have to prick my finger.  She gets the needle and when she turns back around she is met by "crazy crying lady"....again.  She gives me a look and asks if I am okay, I reply "I'm fine, this is new.  So sorry".

Lovely hormones.....ugh.  But I know it will be worth it in the end but in the meantime I have a nice mix of sob city and crazy rage lady going on.  Its SO nice around our house right now, I promise!  (Have I mentioned how much of a patient man Matthew is?)

Panic Attacks

I had a true test of my new mindset today, and if I can brag on myself...I passed with flying colors. :). Another friend of ours announced that they were pregnant and I truly was happy for them rather than bursting in tears, which has been my regular reaction. I honestly do feel better.

In other news, Matthew and I looked at a house today. We thought that our credit was not in a place where we could look at buying but we found out today that we were wrong. Very wrong in fact. That is so nice but it also scares the pants off me. Gives me panic attacks to imagine buying a house! But there is no doubt that we are ready. At the moment, we are in a very old house that has no storage, one bathroom, and hardly any room. We are definitely ready for a bigger house. We can also handle the payments, it's just a big step.

I am almost done taking my second dose of Clomid. I am still at the point where the side effects aren't too bad, I'm just a little tired now....but that could be my allergy medicine.

Just keep us in your prayers as we look toward a new home and (fingers crossed) a new bun in the oven. :D

Giving it up

Unfortunately, pregnancy did not happen this month. In a few acts of irony, we found out on the one day I was looking forward to for months (celebrating our anniversary). It sucked but we were determined not to bring us down....until we found out that our best friends were successful in the baby making this month. And quite honestly, it got me down....way down. So down that I took the next day off work to have a pity party.

I couldn't get over the fact that God would give me such a slap in the face until honestly it occurred to me, perhaps I needed that slap. Sure I knew that God would provide for us. Yes I know that He is looking out for our family. But did I really hand it all to him? Sadly, no. I had handed it over to him but had kept my hand on it. I still was trying to micro manage what MY plan was. I needed that slap in my face to realize all of this. I know it is hard but I can confidently say that I am on the path of handing it over.

This has helped me to be happier for the most part. Yes, it's still in the back of my mind but it's not the center right now, and that is for the best. We had a good Memorial Day weekend. We worked in the yard on Saturday and then hit the lake with friends on Sunday. Today, I am laid up with a major allergy attack from working in the yard. It goes nicely with my stripe of sunburn on my back. How I achieved that, I have no clue, but it hurts!

Here's to a fabulous week coming up. A busy week, but a good one because it's all in your mindset and for the first time in a year since we started trying I can finally say that I am in the right mindset now.

Doctor's Appointment and Bloodwork

Man, time flies!

Here it is halfway through May, I cannot believe it!

We are still trying to get pregnant but since we have had some trouble we went to the doctor and got checked out.  I was then diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short.  It is a metabolic issue in my body.  I was put on fertility meds and have been going from there.

We have done pretty good all things considered.  It was nice to know that there was something wrong but it is so hard to think that there is a possibility that we may never have children naturally.  It has really amazed me how some people are really inconsiderate when dealing with a person that is having fertility issues.  A friend of mine is dealing with the same thing on a more serious level in a very private way.  When she told me I was amazed that she didn't talk about it but the more that my feelings get hurt I understand completely.  I am most amazed by family members.  I have had a few of them just call to give me updates about others that are pregnant with no thought to how this could affect me.  I do not understand how someone can be so inconsiderate!  It also completely hurts that once they realize that they have hurt me by their actions they combat that with no interaction.  How is that any better?  I cannot say enough that I am still the same person, just dealing with a major issue.  I want to still be treated as the same person that I was before just with a little bit of thought and consideration.

It also amazes me how our family do not call and check in with us.  We are dealing with the hardest thing that we have ever dealt with and our family does not even check in with us.  We are both extremely thankful though for our absolutely wonderful set of church family and friends that have done everything that they could for us.

Perhaps the fertility meds are making me more harsh than I usually am but since Matthew's feelings have been hurt as well this tells me that I am not crazy.  Well, about that.  The meds have made me crazy there is not doubt.  I can deal with the mood swings (they aren't as hard on me as they are on Matthew :D) but the sheer exhaustion is terrible.  I get home from work and I go straight to bed.  Its not sleepiness, it is an exhaustion that I have never experienced before in my life.  I feel so bad for Matthew who is having to go through so much from being a punching bag, to cooking supper, to cleaning our house, to taking care of all of the animals, and the outside chores.  He really has been an absolute champ through it all.  I told him last night that I think he deserves a badge of honor or something.  

I went and got blood work done today checking my progesterone levels, seeing if the fertility meds were working.  I was very nervous but so thankful to have a dear friend by my side the whole time.  (The negative side of working with your husband is that most times you can't both be gone at the same time)  I got the results a few hours later and it was all good!  My Dr wanted me to have a level of 10 and mine came back as a 21.1.  I am very relieved for that.  So now it is just a waiting game to find out whether I go through another month of fertility meds or we are pregnant!

All things considered, I would do this all over again.  The good, the bad, and the ugly if it means that at the end of it we have a child of our own.  And as much as our family's have hurt us in so many ways, Matthew is completely right, at the end of the day it is just the two of us and that is all that matters.  I am just thankful to have such a wonderful man to call my best friend and husband.

Something that has gotten me through all of the hurt feelings and uncertainty of the future:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11